brain u eat carpet

you know what's a really awful feeling?

WANTING TO BE WANTED.
WANTING TO BE NEEDED.
WANTING TO BE ADORED.

shit.e.est. feeling, ever.



fucking period.
hormones are crazy.
i can not stop crying.
and im so stressed i can't sleep.
so fucking shit.eeeeee.

seriously. sucks.

looking @ peoples profiles, pix, videos, etc.
watching reality shows.
movies.
everything.
anything.

just watching everyone else live their lives.

and im not living my own.

im so stuck.
and so un-satisfied.

ungreatful.
blessed.
worst luck.
bad choices.
i could go on.

in all honesty
i was cool for a min.
for a moment.

and now
im heated
im pissed

i am so upset about today

i asked him if he wanted to be my boyfriend.



urrrgh.

he didnt wanna TALK ABOUT IT>

i must be a dumb ass.




dumbass

seriously.

why do i let this piss me off.

he doesnt wanna talk about it.
i s h o u l d n t worry
or stress

h i s l o s s

huh!

fuckin cake.

sometime when im big and strong
i wont let them see me cry
sometime when im nice and sweet
i want let them pass me by
sometime when im friendly and funny
i wont let them cut me off
sometime when im smart and helpful
i wont let them question me
sometime when im honest and brave
i wont let them tell me lies
sometime when im loving and caring
i wont let them break me down
sometime when im weak and sad
i wont let them cut me so deep
sometime when im falling down
i wont let them see me fall
sometime when im sick and hurt
i wont let them pitty me
sometime when im free
sometime when im free

the lake.

it was supposed to be a lot of things...
at least to me it was.

it wasnt awful.
or hell.
or anything like that.

i consider it more.... a disappointment.

i went to probation, came home..hungry as hell..wanting to cook something..
and told d..
told him id like to go to the lake.
go buy him a float..
us some water shoes..and some subs ..etc..

so we did all that.

1st thing "wrong" no c/m
2nd thing "wrong" wanted too much on the sandwich
3rd thing "wrong" hmm.. im trying to think. err. i know it was something when he was doing the float..

oh ok . 3rd "wrong".. walking too far to find somewhere to settle @ the lake..

then came blowing up his float..
lighting a cig bc it was windy..

"why arent u floating mal"

then we float across the lake later
much later
"you're being so annoying"

god.
just now. thinking about it.

i dont know what to do.
him. saying he wants to be with me. be my boyfriend now, wont make it better.
it frickin upsets the hell out of me.
how i am treated now a days,


NOT TO SAY im perfect
NOT TO SAY im nice
NOT TO SAY im not a bitch.

but fuck.
if he's upset- tell me.
i tell him he hurt me.
i cry myself to sleep ALL THE TIME.

im 20 yrs old damnit.

this is b.s.
i wish it would end.
this sadness.
this madness.
this boringness.
this depression.
wtfe.

seriously wtfe
fuckin shit.

thank god i am writing again.
all i know is .
at the end of the day,
i sleep.
and i wake up
&& its again and again and again

and i have these empty relationships.
where when i dropped d off @ the end of the day..
i drive.


towardsss

t a c o m a c

i am pathetic.
no one gives a fuck about me there.
but whatever

i cant tell drea
about the lake
i even lied to alicia
Maybe in the moment i told her about it . made it sound normal.
prolly fun.

it was fun.
it was a good experience.
i am glad we went.
im glad i went.

just wish we were diff. people.

and here i am again.
hes not lyin here next to me however..

he's
down
stairs.

and im alone.

cig.
any
one.

?






i hate being 20.
fuck the b.s.
its fucking a waste of time.

one day your skies will have puffy clouds
and you can design and imagine all that you have dreamt
one day you will swim and float
and taste the salt you've dreamt
one day you will fly up high
and see land you have dreamed of
one day you will land and be greeted with a sign
confirming you belong
one day you will
sleep
and rest
and dream
and you will be at peace
one day you will soar and fill the world with the words that have been screaming inside
one day you will love like there is no tomorrow
and you will dream of no end.
one day you will capture memories with your heart
and you will not need a reason
you will laugh and you will be able to dance
you'll have rythm like in the movies
you will live you will laugh you will scream you will cry you will feel like you have arrived
one day you will change the world and yourself
you will not believe your eyes
you wont recognize you
you wont know what to do
you will rest
you will dream
you will laugh
you will fly
you will soar
you will die
you will never again want to be someone else
you will have lived your life
you will be satisfied